Love addiction manifests in a person’s life when they become dependent on the object of their love. Whereas sex addicts are addicted to the "high" of being aroused, love addicts are addicted to the "high" of feeling in love. Their love addiction can take the form of putting others needs before their own well-being, trying to control others so that they can get their needs met, often at the other's expense.
A key way to identify dependent love is how the person feels when the other shows disapproval. In love addiction, when the love object threatens to leave, either physically or psychologically, desperate behaviors tend to escalate. Dependent love is always self-serving and a way to avoid looking more deeply at oneself.
The excitement most people feel when they meet a person they are romantically interested in is a normal part of the bonding experience. However, a love addict pushes this excitement to euphoric levels by engaging in compulsive fantasy, imagining ideal love, feeling instant closeness and a complete connection. This euphoria is the "drug of choice" for the love addict. This is their high; which is commonly accompanied by poor decision making because love addicts believe relationships to be closer and more meaningful, particularly in their beginning stages, than they actually are.
As a result, love addicts may commit to a relationship much sooner and more intensely than that relationship can in reality tolerate. This leads to engaging in behaviors that are too early and inappropriate for the relationship, such as having sex, moving in together, committing to partnership or marriage, and commingling money, to name a few. These developments frequently lead to problems in the relationship, which the love addict has difficulty attributing as a result of their own poor boundaries and decisions. The problem is either externalized and blamed on the shortcomings of their partner (i.e. "it’s his/her fault, not mine") or all the blame is assumed as it is internalized and attributed to their own worthiness (i.e., "if I were a better lover, then this wouldn’t have happened," etc.). Either way, the actual problem is never addressed and the cycle is eventually repeated.
Overcoming love addiction includes looking at obsessive tendencies and the addiction to fantasy as a way to avoid pain and past hurts with a compassionate love addiction therapist. Through an extensive sexual/relational history, pains of the past and traumatic relationships are identified and explored. As part of the love addiction treatment, boundary plans are constructed to clearly identify the persons and places that lead to and encourage destructive behaviors and relationships. Through our love addiction support groups, healthy coping mechanisms are identified and put into place for support as well as learning essential self-care habits, including how to self-soothe and stay in the present.
The outcome of our love addiction therapy? A better understanding of oneself, a higher self esteem and a healthier love connection with others. Through the diligent help of our love addiction specialists and a commitment to alter behaviors, recovery from love addiction is possible.
Wondering if you are love addicted? Take a Love Addiction Screening Test
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Is It Love or Is It Addiction? With more than 250,000 copies in print, Is It Love or Is It Addiction? has helped countless people find their way from the trials and confusions of addictive love to the fulfillment of whole and healthy relationships. In this second edition, psychotherapist Brenda Schaeffer draws on new developments in her practice, as well as a decade of feedback on love as an addiction, to expand her original insights and advice. The result is a fresh perspective on intimacy and an invaluable practical guide to making relationships work. |
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Facing Love Addiction The author of the best-selling Facing Codependence unravels the intricate dynamics of toxic love relationships and shows us how to let go of toxic love. In this revised and updated edition of Facing Love Addiction, internationally recognized dependence and addiction authority Pia Mellody clearly outlines the debilitating 'toxic' patterns played out by love addicts and the unresponsive love avoidants to whom they are painfully and repeatedly drawn. |
Alexandra Katehakis, sex addiction expert from Center for Healthy Sex, discusses the role of sexual history in treatment for sex addiction. watch video

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